Thursday, February 7, 2008

For a short month February packs a punch

I've never been fond of February ~ at least not for as long as I can remember. It's always been way too busy and then really sad memories. My half sister has a birthday this month, my step brother has a birthday this month, my niece has a birthday this month. Then there is my ex husband and ex SIL ~ not that it's a concern for me now but some 28 years ago it added to the stress of my life. So what did I do? Got married for the first time around this month and let's not forget Valentine's day otherwise known as "The Black Day of Love." It's never been a favorite of mine. It's supposed to be a day to celebrate your love. Try telling that to all those people who are NOT in love ~ the day sucks reminding you what a looser you are. The "not in love" is not an issue for me. I've never been more in love but I still feel for all those who are not and haven't celebrated this day in ages.

The really bad February's began in 1982. My mom passed away, you guessed it, in February. I was only 25 and clearly not ready to loose her. Hell, I'm quite certain I still would not be ready. She was one amazing, funny, loving and crazy woman. My Jen was only 2 at the time but she and my mother ADORED each other almost to the exclusion of everyone else. Hell my dad was even jealous of the love they had for each other. I know as a new mom it made me feel a bit less than perfect but even then I knew that the fact that my mother loved my daughter so much was not inspite of me but in many ways, because of me. From what I can piece together the time around my birth and into toddlerdome was not the best time for my mother and she always felt that I somehow missed out because of it. She always said having Jennifer was like getting a second chance to do right by me. Now who can be upset by that logic. She used to watch Jennifer for me during the day while I worked and she really loved that time. She was never able to stay home with us so for her this was a great treat. Of course, we'd spend the weekend together too. My dad and my ex would go out golfing and it was "my time" to spend with my mom (and Jen too) The three of us were very happy together ~ spending our weekends out doing silly things together. At the end, when my mom was in the hospital taking her last breaths, it was Jen's picture up on the wall of the ICU unit she would see if she regained concousness. It was as is should be. They were the world to each other. It makes me sad because of course, even though Jen has heard the stories a million times, she really doesn't remember her now. My mom did come to say goodbye to her though. We were driving home from the hospital and she pointed up at the sky and said "Look mommie ~ there's Mimi!" Thinking I misunderstood her she insisted "Look RIGHT THERE ~ there's Mimi!" Talk about the hair on the back of your neck standing on end. We knew Mimi had come to say goodbye to our baby.
That February was also the final nail in the coffin that was my first marraige. My mom's death followed immediately by the loss of a 2nd pregnancy threw me into a bad place in my life. I really didn't want to be "close" to anyone after that. In my mind I guess I figured if I didn't love, it wouldn't hurt to loose someone. I do know better now. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than never to have been loved at all.

February has taken a turn for the better though and this story has a happy ending ~ Julianne was born in a very cold Chicago in February and while that is a story all unto itself I would live through a thousand Februarys for her and I am grateful everyday for the gift that she is ~ that all my children are really.
This February looks promising. I'll be spending the next couple of days sewing with my friend whom I've missed. Julianne and Richard are going to a father/daughter dance at school and who knows maybe I'll finally get those diamond earrings I've always wanted. Probably not, but I can dream! So, how was your day?


Dani said...

Ok... yea so i cried all the way through that one!

Trish said...

I agree with Dani, even though it didn't make me cry, the story about Jen and her Mimi really gave me the chills! I love Jen's baby pics, because I think that she looks exactly the same! And of course Julz is too cute!

Anonymous said...

Touched my heart! Know my thoughts are with you this month and every other month as well! Love you! Angie

Jennifer said...

Awww! Look how cute I was! Some things never change! Hope this February is much better for you! Love you!

Jeremy Cox said...

HEY! Update your blog!